We Love Charlie Sheen

I am concerned about Charlie Sheen. Sure, there are other things going on in the world—a revolution in Egypt, stonings in Afghanistan, narcissistic judges who want to do away with healthcare reform. But it is Charlie Sheen that keeps me up a night.
For those of you off-the-grid-anti-tech-neophytes: here are some Charlie Sheen tidbits.
He stars on CBS’s Two and a Half Men.
He’s the highest paid actor on TV.
He has a drug and alcohol problem.
Oh, and he assaults women. (More than once.) (Weapons have been involved.)
I’m not sure if Mr. Sheen has been under-the-influence every time he’s been violent, but I think it’s safe to say—the drugs and booze don’t help.
Which is why I would like to assist Charlie. But since Mr. Sheen is a famous addict—I’ve taken a few liberties with the Twelve Steps. I hope he finds solace in the recovery process.

The Twelve Steps (for Charlie Sheen)
Step 1: Admitted he was powerless over his erection & his wife had become unmanageable

Step 2: Came to believe there was NO power greater than himself.

Step 3: Made a decision to turn his will and his life over to the care of CBS network

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless more-whore inventory of himself

Step 5: Admitted to God, to himself and another human being the exact nature of his wrongs & then paid to destroy the evidence

Step 6: Entirely ready to have God remove mandatory sentencing.

Step 7: Humbly asked her not to press charges

Step 8: Made a list of all persons he'd harmed—except for the ones with vaginas, ‘cause those bitches don't count

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people whenever possible except when to do so required admission of any wrong doing

Step 10: Continued to take anything he wanted & when wrong promptly pummeled her

Step 11: Sought through prayer and self-prescribed medication to improve next year’s contract

Step12: Having had habitual rapening as result of these steps—he carried the message that bad-boy Actors can get away with anything

We love you, Charlie. Keep coming back.