SOCCER SNACK: A Satire

From: Lois Langston

Subject: Red Dragons Snack

Dear Red Dragons,

Welcome to Upper East Side Soccer Squad’s (UESSS) spring season. I’m Lois Langston, your snack parent and I’m writing to set up a snack schedule. While there are no official UESSS rules regarding snack, it’s customary to provide fruit at half time (often sliced oranges) and a ‘sweet’ after the game. Doughnuts work nicely. Brownies, too! Be creative. Have fun with it.
Let me know ASAP which week you’d like to volunteer so I can put together a master list in plenty of time for the game.

Yours,

Lois

PS- Water or juice boxes are always appreciated, but no pressure!


Dear Lois.

Put me down for the third week. Would homemade chocolate chip cookies be good?

Val Montagne



Dragons,

Thanks, Val--you reminded me … Absolutely **no** peanuts in any snacks!! But to answer your question, chocolate chip cookies sound delicious. I’ll put you down for the third week.

Lois



Dear Lois,

Is it okay if I bring snack the last week? My husband’s in London for most of the season, leaving me with our three kids. :(

Harper



Lois, Did I say the third week, I meant the fourth.

Val



Val,
got you down for the fourth. Harper, you’re on for the last.

Yours,
Lois



Hi Red Dragons,

I propose that this season we skip snack altogether. Below is a useful link to a website that shows the latest research correlating sweet snacks to learning disabilities and ADD/ADHD. (Not to mention the obesity epidemic plaguing our kids today. Plus, we only eat organic citrus, so I’m concerned someone might bring in oranges (or grapes) dripping in pesticides which have been associated with Autism and/or conduct disorders in incarcerated youth.
It’s up to us to model healthy choices.

Best,

Cecile Randolph

www.modelhealthychoices.com



Dear Cecile,

I really like the camaraderie when teams break bread together. Perhaps we should take a vote? What do you think Lois?

Warm regards,

Selma Sacks



Red Dragons,

I’m with Selma re. the camaraderie thing. Not to mention, I love doughnuts.

Hannah Palmer



Girls,

I think a case can be made for both perspectives, but if we’re going to vote on this, shouldn’t each side have the opportunity to present their viewpoint in a venue more conducive to consensus building? I volunteer my apartment for a meeting. We’re on 82nd and Park.

Just an idea,

Tessa



Tessa,

My husband is in London on business and it’s VERY difficult to attend any meetings, especially on weeknights.

Harper



Hi All,
Here’s some food for thought, no pun intended. A similar issue came up on my older son’s travel league. Instead of bonding over food they did a team-building exercise that involved relay races with eggs on a spoon. Or something like that. He’s at Harvard now. I’ll email him and see what they did.

BTW—Harper, I know an excellent sitter.
(Or skype?)

Sharon Fontana


Lois,

Are we going to table volunteering until after Tessa’s meeting? If not, I can do the fourth week. BTW I read Cecile’s link about conduct disorders and saturated fats. Scary stuff.
FYI, Fresh Direct has excellent organic produce.

Risa Raymor



Dragons,

After much thought, I think as snack parent, I should make an executive decision. I mean, if that’s okay with everyone. Let me know.

Lois

Ps. Fresh Direct has an organic department!? Who knew?



Lois,

Decide away!

-Tess



Good idea Lois. Go for it.

Best,
Val



So no meeting?

Harper



Guys stop pressing reply all, it’s jamming my in box.
Warm Regards,

Lauren Sherp

CEO- Equities Solutions



Risa,

The fourth is taken. Any other week? (Assuming we’re going ahead with snack …)


Red Dragons,

It’s not a problem. My children understand that our family values healthful living differently than most other families.

Cecile



Thanks, Cecile! The rest of you, please let me know ASAP which week you can do.
Lois


Hi Lois.
I can do the fifth week. For some reason my son will only eat clementines. Hope that’s cool. But if I can’t find organic, Harry will make do. (Or he’ll just have his own clementine, and I’ll bring everyone else oranges. Whatever.)

-Risa



Girls,

I got it all wrong. The egg on the spoon thing was for debate team, NOT travel soccer. Lois, put me down for week number 3.

Sharon



Red Dragons,

I just received the below email. Perhaps we can discuss further on Saturday morning. 8:00 (106th entrance, Riverside Park) Go team!

Attention all Upper East Side Soccer Squad players and their families:
Due to insurance constraints UESSS now has a strict NO SNACK policy, effective immediately. We recognize this may be an unwelcome change but we thank you in advance for your vigilant cooperation in the matter.