SOCCER SNACK: A Satire

From: Lois Langston

Subject: Red Dragons Snack

Dear Red Dragons,

Welcome to Upper East Side Soccer Squad’s (UESSS) spring season. I’m Lois Langston, your snack parent and I’m writing to set up a snack schedule. While there are no official UESSS rules regarding snack, it’s customary to provide fruit at half time (often sliced oranges) and a ‘sweet’ after the game. Doughnuts work nicely. Brownies, too! Be creative. Have fun with it.
Let me know ASAP which week you’d like to volunteer so I can put together a master list in plenty of time for the game.

Yours,

Lois

PS- Water or juice boxes are always appreciated, but no pressure!


Dear Lois.

Put me down for the third week. Would homemade chocolate chip cookies be good?

Val Montagne



Dragons,

Thanks, Val--you reminded me … Absolutely **no** peanuts in any snacks!! But to answer your question, chocolate chip cookies sound delicious. I’ll put you down for the third week.

Lois



Dear Lois,

Is it okay if I bring snack the last week? My husband’s in London for most of the season, leaving me with our three kids. :(

Harper



Lois, Did I say the third week, I meant the fourth.

Val



Val,
got you down for the fourth. Harper, you’re on for the last.

Yours,
Lois



Hi Red Dragons,

I propose that this season we skip snack altogether. Below is a useful link to a website that shows the latest research correlating sweet snacks to learning disabilities and ADD/ADHD. (Not to mention the obesity epidemic plaguing our kids today. Plus, we only eat organic citrus, so I’m concerned someone might bring in oranges (or grapes) dripping in pesticides which have been associated with Autism and/or conduct disorders in incarcerated youth.
It’s up to us to model healthy choices.

Best,

Cecile Randolph

www.modelhealthychoices.com



Dear Cecile,

I really like the camaraderie when teams break bread together. Perhaps we should take a vote? What do you think Lois?

Warm regards,

Selma Sacks



Red Dragons,

I’m with Selma re. the camaraderie thing. Not to mention, I love doughnuts.

Hannah Palmer



Girls,

I think a case can be made for both perspectives, but if we’re going to vote on this, shouldn’t each side have the opportunity to present their viewpoint in a venue more conducive to consensus building? I volunteer my apartment for a meeting. We’re on 82nd and Park.

Just an idea,

Tessa



Tessa,

My husband is in London on business and it’s VERY difficult to attend any meetings, especially on weeknights.

Harper



Hi All,
Here’s some food for thought, no pun intended. A similar issue came up on my older son’s travel league. Instead of bonding over food they did a team-building exercise that involved relay races with eggs on a spoon. Or something like that. He’s at Harvard now. I’ll email him and see what they did.

BTW—Harper, I know an excellent sitter.
(Or skype?)

Sharon Fontana


Lois,

Are we going to table volunteering until after Tessa’s meeting? If not, I can do the fourth week. BTW I read Cecile’s link about conduct disorders and saturated fats. Scary stuff.
FYI, Fresh Direct has excellent organic produce.

Risa Raymor



Dragons,

After much thought, I think as snack parent, I should make an executive decision. I mean, if that’s okay with everyone. Let me know.

Lois

Ps. Fresh Direct has an organic department!? Who knew?



Lois,

Decide away!

-Tess



Good idea Lois. Go for it.

Best,
Val



So no meeting?

Harper



Guys stop pressing reply all, it’s jamming my in box.
Warm Regards,

Lauren Sherp

CEO- Equities Solutions



Risa,

The fourth is taken. Any other week? (Assuming we’re going ahead with snack …)


Red Dragons,

It’s not a problem. My children understand that our family values healthful living differently than most other families.

Cecile



Thanks, Cecile! The rest of you, please let me know ASAP which week you can do.
Lois


Hi Lois.
I can do the fifth week. For some reason my son will only eat clementines. Hope that’s cool. But if I can’t find organic, Harry will make do. (Or he’ll just have his own clementine, and I’ll bring everyone else oranges. Whatever.)

-Risa



Girls,

I got it all wrong. The egg on the spoon thing was for debate team, NOT travel soccer. Lois, put me down for week number 3.

Sharon



Red Dragons,

I just received the below email. Perhaps we can discuss further on Saturday morning. 8:00 (106th entrance, Riverside Park) Go team!

Attention all Upper East Side Soccer Squad players and their families:
Due to insurance constraints UESSS now has a strict NO SNACK policy, effective immediately. We recognize this may be an unwelcome change but we thank you in advance for your vigilant cooperation in the matter.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS GROW

Almost three years ago, my oldest son became a Bar Mitzvah. When I set out to write a toast, I realized none of my words felt relevant to the relationship I had with him at the time. Everything felt contrived. Too much telling--not enough showing. So I borrowed the words of a writer we both admired. Here is my 'toast'. (I found it tucked in the book this morning--and wept.) THE NIGHT RUBIN WORE HIS WOLF SUIT AND MADE MISCHIEF OF ONE KIND AND ANOTHER HIS MOTHER CALLED HIM 'WILD THING1' AND RUBIN SAID 'I'LL EAT YOU UP1' SO HE WAS SENT TO HIS ROOM WITHOUT EATING ANYTHING. THAT VERY NIGHT HE WENT ON FACEBOOK AND CHATTED AND CHATTED UNTIL FABRY, SUGARMAN AND YANG HAD TO DO THEIR HOMEWORD AND RUBIN SWITCHED TO FARMVILLE AND YOU TUBE. AND WASTED NIGHT AND DAY AND IN AND OUT OF WEEKS AND ALMOST OVER A YEAR TO WHERE THE WILD VIDEOS ARE AND WHEN HE CAME TO THE PLACE WHERE THE WILD VIDEOS ARE, THEY ROARED THEIR TERRIBLE 'MOTHER LOVER' ROARS AND GNASHED THEIR TERRIBLE 'I'M THE BOSS' RHYMES AND ROLLED THEIR TERRIBLE 'LAZY SUNDAY' RIFFS UNTIL RUBIN SAID, 'MY TURN!' AND POSTED HIS OWN MAGIC VIDEO. (LINKED TO SILLY VIDEO HE MADE OF HIMSELF." AND RUBIN GREW. AND GREW. AND GREW. AND LEARNED MANY THINGS AND HAD MANY ADVENTURES. AND MADE GREAT FRIENDS. AND EVEN GREAT MISTAKES. AND FOUND HIS WAY. THEN ALL AROUND FROM FAR ACROSS THE WORLD TO THE UPPER EAST SIDE, HE WANTED GOOD THINGS TO EAT SO HE CALLED HIS MOM. 'LET'S MEET,' HE SAID. 'AT E.A.T. ON MADISON.' AND SHE SAID, 'OH PLEASE LET'S GO, WE'LL PAY TOO MUCH, I LOVE YOU SO!' AND RUBIN SAID, 'I KNOW.' SO HE SAILED BACK OVER A YEAR AND IN AND OUT OF WEEKS AND THROUGH A DAY AND INTO A CORNER TABLE OF THE VERY TRENDY ROOM WHERE IS HIS VERY OWN MOM WAS WAITING FOR HIM. AND IT WAS MAD FUN. MAZEL TOV, RUBE. I LOVE YOU.

ARE YOU MY AUTHOR? Mothers on the Writing Life

ARE YOU MY AUTHOR? Mothers on the Writing Life Thursday, May 10 7:00 – 9:00pm THE STRAND BOOKSTORE 828 Broadway, New York City Join us for an evening of readings, discussion, book signings …and a champagne toast for Mothers Day! The Strand Bookstore has partnered with six talented authors for an honest look and discussion on motherhood, creativity and the writing process. Each author will read a piece about the intersection between motherhood and writing, followed by a Q&A and open discussion with the audience. A $10 gift card to The Strand must be purchased for entry to this event. FEATURING: SHERI HOLMAN – Sheri Holman has written four award-winning and bestselling novels published by Grove/Atlantic, including The Dress Lodger, a New York Times Notable Book and longlisted for the Dublin IMPAC Award; The Mammoth Cheese, named a Publisher's Weekly and San Francisco Chronicle Book of the Year and shortlisted for the UK's Orange Prize, and most recently, Witches on the Road Tonight, a NYTBR Editor's Choice, winner of the Independent Publisher's Gold Medal for Literary Fiction, and named a Book of the Year by The Boston Globe, The Toronto Globe and Mail, and PopMatters. Sheri is a founding member of The Moth. KAYLIE JONES - Kaylie Jones is the author of five novels, including A Soldier’s Daughter Never Cries, which was made into a Merchant-Ivory film, and the memoir Lies My Mother Never Told Me. She teaches in the MFA program at SUNY Stony Brook – Southampton, and in the Wilkes University low-residency MFA program in professional writing. REBECCA LAND SOODAK - Rebecca Land Soodak has contributed to Salon, Big Apple Parent, About Our Kids, and The Huffington Post. A former Psychotherapist, Land Soodak is also a painter. She lives with her husband and four children in Manhattan and Litchfield, CT. Henny on the Couch (Grand Central Publishing, March 2012) is Rebecca's debut novel. JILLIAN LAUREN - Jillian Lauren is the author of the memoir Some Girls: My Life in a Harem and the novel Pretty. Her writing has appeared in The Paris Review Daily, The New York Times, Los Angeles Magazine and Vanity Fair among others. She has performed at spoken word and storytelling events across the country and is co-host with comedian Melinda Hill of the new hit podcast Eat My Podcast. MARTHA SOUTHGATE - Martha Southgate is the author of four novels. Her newest, The Taste of Salt, was published in September 2011 and was named one of the best novels of the year by the San Francisco Chronicle and Boston Globe. She has received fellowships from the MacDowell Colony, the Virginia Center for the Creative Arts and the Bread Loaf Writers Conference. Her essay “Writers Like Me,” published in the New York Times Book Review, appears in the anthology Best African-American Essays 2009. Previous non-fiction articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, O, Entertainment Weekly, and Essence. www.marthasouthgate.com; Twitter: mesouthgate RACHEL ZUCKER - Rachel Zucker is the author of three books of poetry including Museum of Accidents which was a finalist for the National Book Critics Circle Award. She co-edited Women Poets on Mentorship, an anthology of essays by younger women poets and co-wrote (with Arielle Greenberg) Home/Birth: a poemic, a non-fiction book about birth, friendship and feminism. She lives in New York City with her husband and three sons. She teaches poetry at NYU and is a certified labor doula. PRESS CONTACT: Jillian Sanders 212-364-1523 jillian.sanders@hbgusa.com

Huffington Post Picks up my Essay!

http://bit.ly/HcF3GW

When the student is ready ...

Just off the red-eye, the very smart (and beautiful) Joyce Maynard surprised me with an impromptu coffee invite. It's predictable that she leaves me with much to think about, and still my whirling feels unexpected--novel. This is the no brainer, she tells me as she gathers her things--get everyone who's read HENNY to comment on Amazon. It matters, she tells me as she exits. I collect my things. Head for the bathroom. Toss our garbage. Berate myself for my stupid outfit choice. I know she's heading west toward her day. I go east--home. I imagine her eyes on my city ... the construction on 79th will bug her; she'll enjoy the park. I'm glad I know her. She makes me want to write sixteen things at once.
Damn. It's New York City's turn for Joyce.

The Personal is Viral

As many of you know, I was quite taken with the KONY 2012 campaign. I was fascinated that with all the content available to viewers—this half hour video was observed by so many—especially teens and young adults. While solutions in Uganda may be complicated—the historical horror is rather simple—that is, wrong. I appreciated that the KONY campaign didn’t suggest they had one solution to a complicated problem (or that donations would FIX the region). Instead they maintained that large numbers of people (as evidenced by film viewership and/or visible posters) would communicate to our government that the public is aware of Kony’s atrocities and want him convicted. While some dismiss this plan as simplistic slacktivism, I am awed by it. Social media is creating social change, and if you don’t believe me, refer to Susan B. Komen foundation reinstating Planned Parenthood funding or the Rush Limbaugh advertisers pulling out following virtual-vocal dissent. In college we used to say, the personal is political. Thanks to social media, the personal is viral. Rather than dismissing these click-campaigns, join me in marveling at the mediasphere’s influence on real policy change.
Last week, the KONY 2012/Invisible Children foundation continued to unfold. Filmmaker, Jason Russell was caught on camera in his underwear disrupting traffic and behaving bizarrely. Major publications reported that he’s been arrested for public intoxication and masturbation. Fortunately, the NY Times got the story right. They quoted a San Diego police spokesperson as saying that if Russell had been intoxicated they'd have arrested him--instead they took him to a hospital for what was almost certainly a psychotic episode. The police also noted that of all the calls they received about an anonymous man’s behavior (i.e. Russell)—only one mentioned that Russell MAY have been masturbating, yet, many newspapers reported that Russell was arrested, intoxicated and masturbating.
Many people (some even brilliant and talented) are diagnosed with mental illness. Fortunately, medication enables many to lead lives reflective of their potential. It is my hope that Jason Russell receives medical treatment and gets back to work, first responding to the public’s criticism and then resuming artistic/activist pursuits. Better yet, let his next film project take on the pervasive stigma related to brain chemistry—a.k.a. mental illness.

Best Place To Reach Me ...

I'm not saying I'll never blog here again. I'm not saying I am going to stop eating Coffee Ice-cream on a nightly basis, either.
(But I digress.)
If you want me, I'll be at twitter (@Rlsoo), Facebook etc. Also, my website will keep up to date on reviews and events.
rebeccalandsoodak.com
See you on the mediasphere ...

Amy Sohn blurbs HENNY

Thank you Amy Sohn for the great blurb!
“The protagonist of HENNY ON THE COUCH is a New York mother we can all identify with - bright, harried, striving, and hopeful. You want her to be your best friend. This is a book for any woman who's ever had dreams for herself or wondered what became of them.”



-Amy Sohn, author of PROSPECT PARK WEST